Ring of Honor Unauthorized: A Night of Hoopla

hoopla

Merrionette Park, IL – 7.11.2013

Championship Rundown
ROH World Champion: Vacant
ROH Television Champion: Matt Taven
ROH World Tag Team Champions: reDRagon (Kyle O’Reilly & Bobby Fish)

There is no commentary on this event.

Truth Martini welcomes everybody to the show and asks them to drink responsibility. Scarlett Brodeaux sings the Hoopa National Anthem while stripping down to her bra and panties. All the referees on this show are sans pants. Truth will also be the ring announcer for the evening.

Eddie Edwards vs. Adam Cole vs. Matt Taven

Seleziya Sparx accompanies Taven to the ring. He goes to the floor with her and Scarlett. Both Cole and Edwards baseball slide dropkick him. Cole poses with Taven for a picture Edwards takes, then Cole throws some punches at him. Edwards takes his picture after a chop. Cole rakes Taven’s eyes. Taven then gets pushed around in a trashcan. Edwards and Cole each deliver ten punches in the corner. Edwards chops Taven up. Taven gets in a strike on Cole. Edwards however puts him in a tree of woe and drop toe holds Cole into his crotch. Edwards then dropkicks Cole’s face into Taven’s face. Taven drops Edwards on the second rope. He wants a fan to whip him, but the fan sends Taven into the ring apron instead. Sparx and Scarlett get in the fans face. Cole pescado’s onto Taven. Edwards tries a suicide dive but Cole catches him with a gamengiri. Cole basement dropkicks Taven for two. Taven misses an enzuigiri. Cole gices him a brainbuster onto his knee for two. Sparx gives Cole a clothesline! Edwards uses the referee to DDT Taven. Edwards rolls Taven into a half crab. Scarlett distracts him. Edwards spanks her. Cole and Edwards superkick one another! Taven catches Edwards with the Headlock Driver for the pin at 9:42. You can tell this is going to be a fun night. The fans reacted accordingly to everything and it made for a really enjoyable watch. Edwards and Cole Eiffel Tower the air because they’re heroes. **¾

Jimmy Jacobs comes down from the rafters while singing “The Ballad of Lacey.” I’ve always loved that song. He then performs his new song “Gypsy Soul.” You can purchase the song on iTunes here.

“The Machismo King” Jay Lethal vs. Delirious
Special Guest Referee: Maria Kanellis

Lethal has a Sensational Sherri in his corner. Lethal and Sherri cut, verbatim, the pre-WrestleMania 7 promo that Savage cut on the Ultimate Warrior. Delirious freaks out at the bell and does the Warrior press slam hands. He has tassels on his arms. Lethal threatens to take Delirious’ career after muscling him to the ropes. Delirious throws him down and Lethal throws his shirt at him. Each guy gets in a shoulder bock. Sherri distracts Delirious so Lethal can give him a double axe handle to the back. Delirious fires back with clotheslines, a choke bomb, a Manhattan drop, and an atomic drop. Sherri tries to run in but Delirious throws Lethal onto her. Lethal catches Delirious with a clothesline. Delirious stomps him down in the corner. He misses a corner splash which sends him to the floor. Sherri gets some strikes and kicks in. Lethal comes off the top with a double axe handle. Sherri attacks him again. Delirious shoves her down. Lethal sends him into the ring post. After positioning themselves in the ring, Delirious backslides Lethal for a two count. Lethal spits in his face before retreating to the floor. He almost gets a sneak attack in thanks to Sherri but Delirious catches him. He misses a running shoulder block. Lethal puts on a chinlock. They knock each other down with simultaneous clotheslines. Sherri has Maria distracted when Delirious rolls Lethal up. Delirious argues with Maria. Lethal knees him into her. Sherri comes off the top with a double axe handle with her shoe and hits Lethal by accident! Delirious chases her around the ring. Back in the ring Lethal rolls Delirious up for two. He snaps Delirious’ neck across the top rope and clotheslines him in the back of the neck. Lethal comes off the top rope five times with elbow strikes. Delirious kicks out. The throws a multitude of clotheslines. After a press slam he splashes Lethal’s back for two. Delirious follows Lethal to the floor. Sherri holds Delirious neck first across a chair. Lethal dives off the top but gets caught with a punch to the stomach. They go back in the ring only for Delirious to shoulder block Lethal back to the floor. He does this two more times. He tries a one footed pin. Lethal kicks out and rolls Delirious up for the pin at 17:02. This was almost move for move a copy of the Savage/Warrior WrestleMania 7 match. And you know what? It was really entertaining. It wasn’t the route I expected but I approve of it. ***

Lethal asks Maria (or as he says, Liz) if she will marry him. She says no because his name isn’t Mike Bennett. Sherri then puts the boots to him. Maria tosses her out of the ring. Lethal then proposes to Maria properly (i.e. dropping to one knee). This time her response is an “oh yeah. Bennett then comes and carries her away. Perfect.

Truth Martini introduces the “Pants-Off Dance Off.” In addition to Scarlett and Seleziya, Val Malone is a part of the dance off. Judge Jeff Jones is the judge of the contest. All three women dance for a bit, then Jones polls the fans. As he’s about to announce a winner, Davey Richards makes his way out. He at first acts as if he feels this whole thing is a disgrace and says that he got into ROH for wrestling, but then does a little provocative dancing of his own! He spanks both Scarlett and Selexiya and gives Val a kiss! This prompts Davey’s opponent Silas Young to make his way to the ring. Silas criticizes Richards for not being a real man. This prompts Richards to ask for their match to start now.

Davey Richards vs. Silas Young

Young gets on a wristlock. Richards kicks Young in the shoulder to escape it. Richards sends him out with a dropkick. He does a hip swivel before snapping back on Young’s legs. Young knees him in the stomach and punches him in the corner. Richards snaps off a couple armdrags and sends Young to the floor to escape a waistlock. Truth Martini comes out and introduces Lumberjills into the match. All of them are men in drag. Young and Richards are both freaked out by this. Richards misses an enzuigiri but catches Young with a kick to the face on the rebound. Young sweeps Richards into a backbreaker/clothesline combo. He tries the Pee Gee Waja Plunge. Richards moves and puts on an ankle lock. Young escapes and Richards accidentally knocks down the referee. Young low blows Richards. The referee is still recovering and can’t make the count. One of the Lumberjills grabs Young’s buttocks. Young pulls him up to the apron. He goes for a punch but gets kicked instead! Richards is laughing. Young charges angrily. Richards gives him the Alarm Clock and a kick to the head. He comes off the top with a double stomp for two. He reapplies the ankle lock. Young taps at 10:03. The Lumberjill stipulation wasn’t necessary but it fit the theme. I kind of was hoping this was going to be the “serious” match to satiate the ROH fans and what they usually want. From what I’ve seen in AAW, I know for a fact these guys have a high quality match in them, this just wasn’t the right night for it. Hopefully though they get the chance to for all out in ROH at one point. **¾

Some fan gets tricked into a lap dance with two larger women. His reaction upon his blindfold being taken off is priceless.

ROH World Tag Team Championship
reDRagon (Kyle O’Reilly & Bobby Fish) vs. Roderick Strong & Cheeseburger

Strong and Fish exchange holds on the mat. O’Reilly and Cheeseburger tag in. Cheeseburger actually gets on a wristlock but O’Reilly armdrags out of it. In a test of strength, he stomps on O’Reilly’s fingers. Cheeseburger sends him to the corner with a headscissors. Strong knees Fish from the apron. Cheeseburger dropkicks him in the side of the head for one. Fish sends him to the corner. Cheeseburger gets his feet up to block an attack. O’Reilly trips Strong off the apron to prevent a tag. Strong gives chase and Fish catches him with a boot to the face. Cheeseburger I left to fight reDRagon on his own. Strong drops down the top rope to send Fish out. Cheeseburger rolls O’Reilly up for two. He then sends O’Reilly out. reDRagon catches his pescado attempt. Strong dropkicks Cheeseburger so that they fall. In the ring Strong gives O’Reilly a backbreaker for two. Cheeseburger drops him with a neckbreaker for two. Fish blind tags in. O’Reilly knees Cheeseburger and rolls him into a chest kick from Fish. reDRagon double team Cheeseburger until they miss stereo diving headbutts. Strong tags in and beats down O’Reilly. He flapjacks Fish and chops O’Reilly up. He bulldogs him into Fish’s knee. He suplexes Cheeseburger onto Fish Jack Evans style for two. Strong attacks O’Reilly in the corner and sends Fish into his crotch. Strong then tosses Cheeseburger onto both of them. He puts Fish in the Strong Hold. Cheeseburger puts O’Reilly in a standing Rings of Saturn so he can’t break the hold. O’Reilly however rams Cheeseburger into Strong to break it. reDRagon take Strong down a modified Total Elimination for two. Strong kicks them away. Cheeseburger bicycle kicks Fish into Death by Roderick. He then drops Fish with the Code Red. O’Reilly breaks the cover. He throws some kicks at Strong’s head before delivering a rolling elbow. Cheeseburger comes off the top. reDRagon catch him and toss him into double knees. He then Chases the Dragon, giving Fish and O’Reilly the pin at 20:57. I was stunned at how good Cheeseburger looked. Yes he got thrown around for a good while but also got the chance to showcase some surprising stuff. Strong is absolutely amazing when making a comeback and reDRagon are one of the best acts in ROH today. This whole package was really great and I was not expecting it at all. ***½

Truth Martini brings out Satan to be interviewed. Satan himself is disgusted by how much debauchery has gone on tonight. This leads to Seleziya Sparx giving him a Death Valley Driver and taking off his pants. That sure was a segment.

BJ Whitmer, Michael Elgin & MsChif vs. Adrenaline Rush (ACH & Tadarius Thomas) & Athena

Elgin starts off with Athena. MsChif is not happy that he puts a waistlock on her. She tags in along with Thomas. Elgin’s not happy about Thomas’ waistlock. Thomas’ shoulder blocks have little effect on Elgin. He tries an O’Conner Roll. Elgin ends up lifting him up in a waistlock. Thomas headscissors Elgin to the corner. Thomas maneuvers around to avoid some offense. Elgin shows off some agility himself, including the Worm! Seriously, that was awesome. After a huddle with his teammates, Thomas tags in ACH. His Carlton and other dance moves impress the crowd as well. Athena tags in. Elgin gives her a slam and does some more dancing! MsChif tags in, but Athena wants Whitmer. She slaps Whitmer a few times. Whitmer and her go back and forth each getting in an armdrag and reaching a stalemate on stereo dropkicks. ACH and MsChif tag in. ACH doesn’t want to be the OJ Simpsons of pro wrestling, so he doesn’t hit her at first. He sends her to the corner. MsChif’s scream causes ACH to fall in terror. She drops Athena in a side slam. Whitmer and Elgin clear Adrenaline Rush off the apron so they can all gang up on Athena. Even so, MsChif won’t let Elgin hurt her. MsChif’s insistence on this is what allows Athena to give Elgin a headscissors and tag in Thomas. He uses some of his Capoeira kicks to take Whitmer down. He gets two with a neckbreaker. He drops the top rope to send Elgin to the floor. Whitmer chops him against the ropes. ACH gives him an enzuigiri. Athena delivers a Sick Kick and Thomas German suplexes him for two. Athena and ACH take him down in the corner. ACH clotheslines him and lands a high crossbody for two. Whitmer fires up from ACH’s slap and takes him over with a belly-to-belly suplex. MsChif gives Athena a double choke bomb. Elgin catches MsChif as she’s being whipped to the ropes. He hits ACH with a slingshot elbow. He shoves him into Thomas, then drops Adrenaline Rush in a Samoan Drop/Fallaway Slam combo. Whitmer powerslams Thomas. A fisherman’s neckbreaker and fisherman’s suplex get a two count. Thomas throws some kicks at Whitmer. ACH Falcon Kicks him from the apron. He slingshots in with an Ace Crusher. Athena comes in missing a Superfly splash. She goes for a tornado DDT but gets sent into the corner with an exploder suplex. He tries a powerbomb. Athena spikes him on his head with a reverse Frankensteiner! MsChif drops her with the Desecrator. ACH breaks the pin. Athena drop toe holds MsChif into the bottom turnbuckle. Elgin shoves MsChif into the ropes to crotch Athena on the top rope. Thomas stops Elgin from superplexing her, bringing him down in a side Russian legsweep. ACH tries to stop Whitmer but gets taken down with a Frankensteiner. Athena comes off the top with an O-Face to Whitmer. Her and MsChif collide in mid-air with stereo crossbody’s. Elgin tries to powerbomb Thomas. ACH takes him down with a Roll of the Dive. ACH rolls MsChif into a punt to the head and a bicycle kick. Elgin stops him from Cramming for the Exam. He Backfists ACH silly. Elgin sets for a powerbomb. MsChif kisses him! Thomas turns him around and Elgin spits green mist in his face! He powerbombs him into the corner, then pins him with the Revolution Bomb at 26:55. This had it all; tremendous action, really clever humor, and stand out moments from people like Athena who needed it to stand out amongst the others in the match. This was a total joy to watch and an awesome way to end what ended up being a really bizzare show. I say that in the best way possible. ***½

Bonus Content

Hoopla Roll Pt. 1
Hoopla Roll Pt. 2
Hoopla Uncut with Delirious
Beach Bum Alcoholics Concert (DVD Only)

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